Being a mom makes me offensive....AWESOME!

Being a mom has made me offensive.  Sounds crazy right? Well it's true.  I spent most of my 29 years of life doing whatever it took to avoid conflict. I hated the idea of getting into debates with people or making others upset.  I also hated the idea of being rejected. I remember being in 6th grade and actually saying to myself "I am going to make everyone like me so I don't have to get into arguments with anyone." Guess what?!...It worked!  I had tons of friends, I was always agreeable and I never had to worry about arguments because I generally just learned to like everything and everyone.  If I wanted to sit on the beach and the person I was with wanted to go swimming I would just do whatever the other person wanted. Now this sounds like it makes me a nice person, and I was, but never deciding what I wanted for myself put me in a dangerous situation with myself. In every good relationship there is compromise where both people express their needs and wants, and should equally share in what is decided.  Because I forfeited my part in this, I really missed out on certain opportunities that might have been good for me in the spirit of "being non argumentative" or "fearing rejection." This is the life of a codependent, which many people struggle with but don't even realize it. 


I was first made aware of this as I was going for my Masters' degree to be a school counselor. It was suggested that all students go to a counselor for a period of time while going through the process of becoming a counselor. I was excited about the idea because I really believe in the counseling process and how it can help anyone grow in life. After the first session with my counselor she immediately pinned me as a codependent and handed me all these materials about what it meant for me and what it means for others.  There are different types of codependents but the main thing about a codependent is just being dependent on others to fufill some kind of need in yourself.  For me the need seemed to be needing approval and fearing rejection. It was difficult to take in at first, but I knew it was true.  The idea of changing my thinking and the way I associated with people was very scary to me. I didn't want to be selfish, but in my heart I knew it was healthy to have my own likes and dislikes and should have relationships with others who respected that and liked me even if I didn't agree with them. I had to come to terms with the fact that other people had a choice too, and if they chose to reject me because I was my own person than I had to just be ok with that.  Even if I had to stand alone. 

The process of changing my thinking has been a slow one, and I would say the biggest turning point for me was when I became a mom.  I have found it impossible and exhausting to please others while still taking care of myself and my family.  There are just too many voices.  God promises in his word that he will "gently lead those who have young" but He can not do that if I am concerned about who is going to like me if I obey.  So guess what....... people can sometimes get offended if we choose to do something they don't understand or wouldn't do themselves. Even good intending voices don't always know God's will for our lives and He only gives us enough grace to worry about what he has entrusted to us.  A verse that I have been clinging onto recently is Exodus 14:13-14 "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still.".....and He has. :)  

So that's my story. I know there is still allot of work to be done, and every day I have to choose if I'm going to give in to the old feelings and thoughts, or push them away and listen to what is in my heart. On the bright side, the change has only been met with minimal resistance overall.  People can get confused when they are used to you being a certain way and then you change.  However, the people who matter and who truly care about you will adapt and those that don't.....well you have to just move on.