The plan

The plan was to start trying to have a baby around the time Ella was 18 months.  I thought 2 and a half to 3 years was a good age difference to have between children so I got off the pill around then and just waited to see what happened. P.S. we were pregant again within a few months.  It was strange to think that I would have another baby but the timing seemed really perfect.  We were in the process of building our first home that had more than adequate space for our growing family.  The baby would be born in the summer which was a relief to our family who has been celebrating Christmas, Kevin's birthday, my birthday and Ella's birthday all back to back.  Plus I wouldn't have to be pregnant throught the hot summer months.  It all seemed to line up....or so I thought. 
A few weeks ago I found out through a sonogram I was having a miscarriage. I was almost 12 weeks based on my last period but the embryo had only grown to 9 and a half.  I knew right away when I saw the embryo on the sono and didn't see any movement.  However as I waited to miscarry naturally I think I was somewhat in denial about whether or not it was really happening. A few respectable friends/family members advised me to just have a D&C and put myself out of my misery but I just didn't feel at peace with that.
 I was away in New York for almost 2 weeks and nothing happened which was a blessing because when it did happen it was allot different than I anticipated.  I expected a heavy period, but what I actually experienced was mini labor with  painful contractions and my water breaking. Luckily the embryo didn't look anything humanlike which was my biggeset fear once I realized it wasn't going to be like a heavy period.
The miscarriage itself wasn't that tramatic for me.  If anything I felt relieved.  Relieved that I wasn't in limbo anymore and relieved that I had closure and could move on.  It's sad to me that Ella was going to have a sibling in June and now she is not, but I have to believe that we will be pregnant again soon and decorating a new nursery in our new home. 
 I don't believe this is happening for a reason but I do believe God will work it out for good. If you want me to explain what I mean by that you can message me on facebook and we can discuss that in greater detail. ;)  God's hand has really been apparent in this strange situation. I was safe and at home as the miscarriage happened, with Kevin by my side and Ella sleeping. Plus friends and family have told me that they prayed specific things for me that have happened, which acts as a reminder to me that prayer really does matter.
Though this story has a sad ending, I look foward to my next pregnancy and am no longer feeling like "a not so ready mom."