The plan

The plan was to start trying to have a baby around the time Ella was 18 months.  I thought 2 and a half to 3 years was a good age difference to have between children so I got off the pill around then and just waited to see what happened. P.S. we were pregant again within a few months.  It was strange to think that I would have another baby but the timing seemed really perfect.  We were in the process of building our first home that had more than adequate space for our growing family.  The baby would be born in the summer which was a relief to our family who has been celebrating Christmas, Kevin's birthday, my birthday and Ella's birthday all back to back.  Plus I wouldn't have to be pregnant throught the hot summer months.  It all seemed to line up....or so I thought. 
A few weeks ago I found out through a sonogram I was having a miscarriage. I was almost 12 weeks based on my last period but the embryo had only grown to 9 and a half.  I knew right away when I saw the embryo on the sono and didn't see any movement.  However as I waited to miscarry naturally I think I was somewhat in denial about whether or not it was really happening. A few respectable friends/family members advised me to just have a D&C and put myself out of my misery but I just didn't feel at peace with that.
 I was away in New York for almost 2 weeks and nothing happened which was a blessing because when it did happen it was allot different than I anticipated.  I expected a heavy period, but what I actually experienced was mini labor with  painful contractions and my water breaking. Luckily the embryo didn't look anything humanlike which was my biggeset fear once I realized it wasn't going to be like a heavy period.
The miscarriage itself wasn't that tramatic for me.  If anything I felt relieved.  Relieved that I wasn't in limbo anymore and relieved that I had closure and could move on.  It's sad to me that Ella was going to have a sibling in June and now she is not, but I have to believe that we will be pregnant again soon and decorating a new nursery in our new home. 
 I don't believe this is happening for a reason but I do believe God will work it out for good. If you want me to explain what I mean by that you can message me on facebook and we can discuss that in greater detail. ;)  God's hand has really been apparent in this strange situation. I was safe and at home as the miscarriage happened, with Kevin by my side and Ella sleeping. Plus friends and family have told me that they prayed specific things for me that have happened, which acts as a reminder to me that prayer really does matter.
Though this story has a sad ending, I look foward to my next pregnancy and am no longer feeling like "a not so ready mom."

Children learn what they live Dorothy Law Nolte

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.


If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.


Excerpted from the book CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

©1998 by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris

The poem “Children Learn What They Live”

©Dorothy Law Nolte

Used by permission of Workman Publishing co., New York

All Rights Reserved

The last 15 pounds

Loosing the baby weight was easy, until I got down to the last 15 pounds.  I've always heard people talk about the freshmen 15 that most people gain when they go away to college, but I had never heard anyone talk about the pregancy 15 that happens after childbirth. When I realized these 15 pounds were not going to melt away like the other 15, I felt somewhat defeated.  I thought I was just going to have to accept the extra weight, but being 15 pounds heavier for me was a big deal and not something I wanted to succomb to.  Some of my friends seemed to loose the weight instantly, but for me it took time and work. So to work I went. I ate as healthy as possible and as often as possible to avoid binging.  I exercised two times a week using the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred DVD and made sure I did something active on the weekends.  I also walked often.  Before the days became excrutiatingly hot, Ella and I took daily morning walks.  I cut out most dairy and I cut back on drinks that contained excess sugar. I didn't expect to be the same size I was or even have the same body I had, I just wanted to stand  in front of the mirror in a bathingsuit and feel good about myself again.  Around the time that Ella was about 15 months I put on one of my old bikinis and was actually happy with what I saw. I felt so accomplished.... It was a great moment for me!  To those who think they will never loose those 15 pounds,  I was there and I totally hear you. One thing I kept reminding myself while going through this process was "I may never look the same as I did pre-pregnancy but it doesn't matter because I am doing the best I can." Be patient with yourself, because being the best you is the only thing you can do.  Holding grudges are never healthy.  Espeically when they are against yourself. 

Going back to work.....or not

Around the time that Ella was almost a year I planned on going back to work part time.  In New York I had a really great job teaching infants and toddlers with special needs and thought it would be a great idea to pursue the same type of position in Florida.  The hours were flexible and the pay was really good.   What better way to make supplemental income for the household and still be a stay at home mom the majority of the time? The Process started out slow. I had to take online coursework in order to become a Specialist through the Board of Health in Florida. It took about 2 months to complete the coursework and to receieve my certifcate.  The process continued to be slow........I needed to become enrolled as a medicaid provider and this has still not taken effect! At first I was stressed, but now I just have to laugh each time I receive correspondence from Tallahassee.  The most recent correspondence from them was my fingerprint card being returned back to me because they couldn't read my prints.  Really? Don't you think you should have looked into that 6 months ago when I mailed it to you?
I keep wondering if I should give up and look into something else, but each time I am ready to give up something happens where we don't need the money right now.  It is like clockwork.... our needs keep being provided for.  It's as if  God wants us to know that He will provide all our needs and it isn't really dependent on what we do or how hard we try.  I still feel that I am supposed to pursue this seemingly ridiculous venture....... even if it means I don't use my certificate until I am ready to go back to work a year after our next child.  :)

Phillipians 4:19 "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

The Adjustment Period

Before I had my daughter, I always heard people talk about the "adjustment period" new moms go through but never actually witnessed anyone who seemed to go through this dreaded adjustment period.  All my friends who had kids prior to me seemed to tackle motherhood with such vigor and excitement.  I on the other hand was left emotionally exhausted....who am I now? For the first few months, my life revolved around the baby and her sleep schedule. I constantly felt like I was going to make a bad choice for her that was going to ruin her forever (God forbid I put the t.v. on during the day in case she watched it).  It was very stressful.  What I went through was definitely what the public coins as "the baby blues."  I would cry for no reason and I felt really helpless.  I felt like I was never going to be back at my prior weight and I was never going to have fun again. I felt trapped and wanted to run home to New York to be with the people who I felt knew me and loved me the most, but obviously that wasn't an option.  Luckily I had a consistent flow of visitors for the first five months, but once the visitors stopped is when the feelings of despair hit me the most. This "adjustment period" continued to go on until I was finally forced to reevaluate who I was and what I was doing with my life.  Even though I was now a mother I was still myself and I deserved to have friends in my life who love me, and hobbies in my life that made me feel fufilled.  I started being less hard on myself about the baby weight and just did my best to exercise and eat right.  I can honestly say that after 18 months I have finally adjusted to being a mom and embraced where I am in life. For the first time in 28 years I am fully committed to being myself and making decisions that I feel are best for myself and my family. It is great to be free. :)

Breastfeeding 101

Who would've thought that feeding your baby would be so difficult? I wanted to breastfeed because everyone kept telling me it is what's best for my baby, and by everyone I mean Doctors, Friends, T.V. , the side of the enfamil container, strangers on the street......talk about pressure! Being a committed mother how could I not give it my best shot? Well I tried and tried and tried, but my supply was not increasing and my baby's appetite was.  This was probably one of the most defeated feelings I have ever felt in my life, and it definitely didn't help that I would get the evil eye by other mothers as I opened up the formual container to feed my little girl.  Clearly my inability to feed my baby the "proper" way was just an atrocity to mankind.  I spent about a month both breastfeeding and bottle feeding and feeling more and more depressed. The whole adjustment to motherhood was difficult enough without the stress of whether or not my baby was getting enough food and will she grow and thrive if I can't produce? I finally had to just throw in the towel and it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made.  I wasn't helping my daughter by crying all the time and feeling like a failure because I couldn't produce breastmilk.  I needed to do what was best us and for us it was NOT breastfeeding.  My daughter is one of the healthiest and happiest little girls I know and rarely gets sick.  Will I try to breastfeed again with my next child? Absolutely! I still believe in the wonderful composition of breastmilk....I just won't be so hard on myself if it doesn't work out.  :)

The Beginning of Motherhood

In December 2007 I felt strongly in my heart that I was going to have a daughter in the near future. I never told anyone because I'm not one to say I know that such and such is going to happen because sometimes even when we really feel something is going to come to pass it doesn't. I did, however document it in my journal for my own reference. I didn't know what the near future meant, and Kevin and I were definitely not trying to have kids AT ALL. I just figured we would know when the time was right to try. In June 2008, after an uneventful month of May we discovered we were having a baby. It of course was bittersweet. We had to say goodbye to our busy newlywed lifestyle and start tending to the baby that was growing inside of me. My pregnancy was definitely not the easiest but I am sure it wasn't the most difficult either. I always keep in mind that there is someone out there who is better off than me and someone out there that is worse off than me. This helps me keep things in perspective when I am struggling. Towards the end of my pregnancy, a sonagram showed that my baby was on the smaller end of babies. Noone seemed that concerned at first, since I am considerably small myself, but I was sent to get a second opinion. This was the beginning of a very stressful Christmas season. Not only did the baby appear small but it also seemed that my amniotic fluid was low. I was sentenced to "bed rest" and to doctor's visits 2 times a week. If the fluid dropped to abnormally low or if something else didn't look right than it would be time to deliver the baby. At 38 weeks I was told it was time. Kevin and I thought we were going in to be induced that day, but a C section was recommended to decrease any risks that might happen to the baby during a regular delivery. I spent the entire day crying and praying. Not sure what to expect and not feeling very trusting in my doctor, all I could do was turn to God. He had promised me a little girl in Decemeber 2007 so I had to trust that He was going to keep his promise. After 8 hours of agony ( I had eaten that morning since I didn't know i was having a C section). We finally went in. The procedure itself was really quick, and before we knew it we saw our daughters round face and dark hair, and heard her cry which was music to our ears. The nurses took her vitals and checked her and she was a perfect little girl. 5 Lbs 13 ozs and 19 inches long. What a miracle! The C section recovery and the beginning of motherhood......that's another story. :) However, we have been entrusted with one of the most important jobs there is, and I know that God will give us the strength to be great parents/teachers to Ella. "... Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion." Phillipians 1:6. :)






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